By Pam Nettles, LPC
One of the most frequent goals in couple’s counseling is to improve communication skills. Partners desire to be heard, understood, and validated; this leads to greater emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction. The following are some strategies for improved communication.
Remove distractions and optimize the timing for discussions. Technology related distractions are some of the most common barriers to communication including cell phone use, tablet/computer, television, and auditory distractions. Have conversations in environments where you can see and hear each other. (BTW, Texting is NOT a conversation!)
Create a dialogue in which one person is the speaker and the other is the listener; then switch roles so that each person is contributing to the conversation.
The person who is speaking should use assertive language, expressing their thoughts and feelings and/or being able to ask for what they want in the relationship. Use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements; make requests rather than demands. The ‘You’ statements and demands often lead to defensiveness or withdrawal on behalf of the listening partner. Additionally, as the speaker, be cautious not to overwhelm your partner by giving too much information before giving your partner time to use active listening skills, seek clarification, provide their thoughts and feelings, or process the information, if necessary.
The person who is the listener should use active listening skills. Active listening requires careful attention to both the content of what your partner is saying and the nonverbal information you are observing. When the speaker has finished communicating (without interruption), paraphrase your understanding of their communication and ask for clarification. Too often, we listen to others while processing our own response rather than fully attending to what the other is saying. Be cautious not to assume/presume what the other is saying. Remember, that when both partners are respectful, each will get the chance to speak and listen. Using these strategies will promote more satisfying communication and greater intimacy in your relationship.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.“
Ephesians 4:29 New International Version
