by Donna Gibbs
Domestic Violence: Two. Intimidating. Words. I’ve been working as a professional Christian Counselor for over two decades, and these two words still haunt me. No matter how much experience I have with this issue, no matter how many encounters with violence, I still have a healthy respect for the unpredictable nature of this often silent struggle. One thing is for sure, domestic violence is a real thing. And, this side of heaven, it’s not going away. It’s in my church. And, it’s in yours.
I’ve seen the bruises, the cuts, the broken bones, and the broken spirits. I’ve seen the long-lasting trauma in a child who has witnessed a chronic form of terror. I’ve sat across from more than one female who narrowly escaped death at the hands of the husband who committed to love, nurture and protect her for life. Certainly, domestic violence doesn’t always involve a male offender, though over 75% of domestic abuse events do involve a male offender. The point is domestic violence is real. And it’s scary.
So what is the appropriate response for a pastor or ministry leader? I genuinely believe that a pastor, and their church leadership, can be the most effective tool available to a community in educating families and breaking the silence and chains of abuse. On the other hand, pastors and church leaders can also be the very tools used to create the silence, and continue the horror. The responsibility of the ministry leader is huge, and intimidating. When do I encourage her to stay? When do I encourage her to get out? Will I be held accountable for advising in the wrong direction? What if she leaves and these patterns really could have been addressed? What if she doesn’t leave…and she doesn’t survive? When is it reasonable to intervene in a situation…and which situations are just too dangerous to address?
I have been involved with cases in which the church provided firm intervention, loving support, godly instruction, as well as a way out if necessary. I have great confidence in the outcome of those situations. I have also witnessed unfortunate cases in which a pastor or leadership abandoned a wife whose life was clearly jeopardized if she didn’t leave. This abandoning has been based on the belief that the husband is to have all authority and that the wife is not fulfilling the role of a scriptural, submissive wife in her efforts to take a stand against abuse. These cases represent the wide dilemma of the church at large, and the dilemma of you in particular, as a pastor or ministry leader. With that said, let’s learn a little more about domestic violence, and the role of an effective church.
Domestic Violence facts:
1. Domestic violence rarely starts with actual physical violence. More times than not, it begins with name calling and criticism, intimidation, isolation from family and friends, anger outbursts, jealousy, control of finances and whereabouts, threats, sexual aggression, and misuse of scripture to guilt, manipulate, and control.
2. Domestic violence escalates in intensity and frequency. When the patterns above begin to develop, they rarely improve without specific confrontation and intervention.
3. The abuser may minimize their behavior, or blame their victim. They may not feel that they are abusive at all, or they may feel that the victim is deserving of their abusive acts. The offender is sometimes genuinely sorry for their outbursts. They may express remorse, buy gifts, shower with attention or fulfill previous promises. This is the honeymoon phase following a tense domestic crisis. The honeymoon period varies in duration from a few hours to a year or more, but is characterized by an absence of abuse, and a return to routine functioning, as if the abuse never occurred. However, without specific intervention the cycle of abuse will likely repeat. The offended, and the offender, need help in breaking the cycle.
4. The victim often becomes so tolerant of the familiar, abusive behavior that they don’t objectively recognize the urgency of their situation. They may struggle with low self-esteem, and sometimes feel they are trapped, or are deserving of the abuse they encounter. They are typically isolated from supports and have legitimate fears regarding leaving their situation. Victims of domestic abuse are at risk for mental illness, depression, eating disorders, substance use, self-harm, attempts at suicide, and death.
5. 25-30% of women have experienced physical violence, rape, or stalking from an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime. That means that in all likelihood violence is directly or indirectly impacting the families in the pews in your church.
Your role as a Pastor or Church leader:
1. Insist on premarital counseling with a professional counselor prior to performing a wedding ceremony. Trained counselors are often able to discern and prevent destructive relationship and generational patterns before they fully develop. This may also prevent a tragic marital situation if patterns have already developed in courtship.
2. Interact with local law enforcement and domestic violence shelters. Learn from them, and partner with them in addressing abuse in your community. You are likely their most significant and influential resource.
3. Educate your congregation about domestic violence. In an informal poll with 30 pastors a few years ago, not one of them had taught about domestic violence in the five years prior. The enemy has an alternative to God’s design for marriage. Our tendency in church leadership is to focus on teaching God’s truths and instructions for marriage, while not fully addressing the alternative reality that many in the pews are already living.
4. Address spiritual abuse, or the use of incomplete pieces of scripture to guilt, manipulate, and ultimately control. Remember that marriage is to be a reflection of Christ’s relationship with the church: He was servant to all who followed Him. He never ordered, threatened, hit, bit, shoved, or frightened….rather He loved with a sacrificial love.
5. Be present with those who come forward as victims of domestic violence. Listen. Believe that abuse could happen. Then, be patient… it will take time and significant planning for her to make a change.
6. Place boundaries on how you intervene. Because of the risk of violence after sessions, conjoint counseling should never be done with a couple until the abuse has ceased completely. Refer couples to a professional counselor who can assist in managing sessions individually until such time that it is assessed that the situation is safe enough to engage in conjoint counseling. There are some situations in which this time never comes.
Ultimately, the Fall created a cycle of sin that has created a hostile and dangerous world. In addressing the issue of domestic violence, we are addressing a very serious spiritual battle. Abuse is one of the prime strategies of evil and it will be a battle until the Lord returns. The strategy of evil is to strip the victim of faith, hope and love…the strategy is to destroy. I’ll leave you with the inspiring words of Paul, as recorded in Ephesians, chapter 6.
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. (New International Version)
So…let us be strong in the Lord. Let us be willing to take a stand against evil. Let us stand firm. Let us pray. Let us be alert…and let us pray some more!
Donna Gibbs, co-owner of Summit Wellness Centers, PLLC, is author of the recent releases, Silencing Insecurity and Becoming Resilient. Donna has authored numerous other books, her blogs are frequently shared in various media outlets, and she is commonly featured on radio broadcasts across America, and occasionally internationally as well. Donna has been providing individuals and families the hope and help they need for more than twenty years as a national certified counselor, board-certified professional Christian counselor, and licensed professional counselor supervisor. A member of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), she is a leading professional provider for Focus on the Family, Christian Care Network, r3Continuum, FINDINGbalance, and Samaritan’s Purse.
Follow Donna’s author page at https://www.facebook.com/DonnaGibbsResilience/ for daily encouragement, the weekly blog, and updates regarding events and speaking engagements.
